How the twin flame idea came into being in an “new” age where we are being taught to find our wholeness within seems rather puzzling. In fact, a lot of what I will call “newer” age ideas seem to fly in direct contrast to those that were popularly originally promoted before 2000. Even certain authors have seemed to have changed or gone against their original philosophy. This would naturally happen as original ideas begin to merge with our consumer culture and what we feel we need in order to survive (socially, emotionally, romantically, etc). These changes happen when we find it difficult to navigate our way around various states of cognitive dissonance. Cognitive dissonance is defined as:
Cognitive dissonance refers to a situation involving conflicting attitudes, beliefs or behaviors. This produces a feeling of discomfort leading to an alteration in one of the attitudes, beliefs or behaviors to reduce the discomfort and restore balance etc. ~ https://www.simplypsychology.org/cognitive-dissonance.html
Unfortunately, this tendency toward cognitive dissonance, isn’t really serving people well when it comes to the idea of twin flames.
What is the evidence for this? I can only offer what I have witnessed working as a psychic reader. Sadly, every year I seem to witness more and more cases of obsession, stalking, restraining orders, suicide threats, unrequited love addiction, severe codependency, and people feeling unable to cope or let go of someone who played or “loved and left” them. Most of what has occurred in such situations is that the these individuals have felt swept up by “intense feelings” for someone who may have a highly electric and sexually charged energy evoked in them. Sometimes their energy is this way due to commitment phobias, anxieties, perversions, sex addictions, or the tendency to move too fast in a relationship and then pull away.
What victims of these types of romances don’t always take into account is that moving too fast in a relationship, being led by fantasy, and told everything you wanted to hear will make almost anyone feel “intense feelings.” While propaganda on twin flames would teach individuals to trust their intense feelings, this isn’t always wise. In truth, intense feelings with a love interest don’t always equate with the desire of your lover to get to know you at a deeper level. So, what usually happens is that one party bails on the relationship when things get serious. This person who bails (called the “runner” in twin flame rhetoric) can sometimes prefers the state of limerence or fantasy. When the limerence is broken, they are off to find the next person they feel will complete them. The partner who is rejected is also lost in a state of limerence as well. They use this limerence as an excuse not to grow and evolve out of loving someone in a superficial or fantasy driven fashion.
What is Limerence?
According to the dictionary, limerence is:
the state of being infatuated or obsessed with another person, typically experienced involuntarily and characterized by a strong desire for reciprocation of one’s feelings but not primarily for a sexual relationship.
To be clear, limerence is not real love. It does feel intense, however. Limerence is a state of love where an individual places a love interest on a pedestal. It is the feeling of being swept up by a love interest. With women, sometimes this can occur after a sexual encounter due to the release of oxytocin (the bonding hormone).
The problem with this is that in today’s dating world, everything is moving so fast. We have sex with people before we even take the time to get to know them. Unfortunately, to wait to get to know someone before having sex flies is less approved of in our consumer-orientated culture. Everything is geared toward attitudes of conquest and instant gratification. To deny the need for instant gratification or self-entitlement is deemed restrictive or a block to freedom. We lose compassion for both our own pain experienced and the pain we might inflict on others through not taking others emotional needs for real love and to be cared for into account before seducing and then abandoning others. Then in our dating culture there is a deep sense of suppressed woundedness and psychological trauma. Yet, no one wishes to admit something is amiss or out of balance..
Add to this that media and movies have us all looking for the “one” to complete us and make our life have meaning. Concepts such as twin flames or soul mates can inadvertently set up a situation where emotions can become very turbulent or confusing. Vulnerable and idealistic individuals can begin losing their center and core identity by finding a way to complete themselves externally instead of internally.
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder
People who lose their internal core sense of identity are often labeled as having borderline personalities. While I don’t believe everyone who has felt they met their twin flame is Borderline, I have noticed it can cause borderline “symptoms” (which may be only temporary and last the duration of the love affair until they let it go). Some of the symptoms of borderline personality could account for the “craziness” that people feel when they feel they have found or lost their twin flame:
- fear of abandonment
- unstable self-image
- unstable relationships
- splitting (fluctuating between states of idealizing someone and devaluing them or seeing the world in terms of black and white without being able to see the grey areas)
- mood swings
- emotional disregulation
- addictions (including love addiction and psychic addiction)
Other symptoms of not being grounded within the self are:
- obsession with the other person and what they are thinking and feeling
- feeling out of touch with ones own needs and emotions
- dissociation (not being in the body fully)
- seeing signs everywhere and interpreting them that they mean you are meant to hang onto something you would learn more lessons if you let go
“You Complete Me”
The idea that we need another person to complete us is, at its core, disempowering. In truth, we do not need anything externally to complete us and we are taught this as spiritual truth. The better phrase instead of “You complete me,” would be, “We complement one another.”
The problem with making only one person your twin is that it makes it hard to let go of this ideal if a relationship doesn’t work out. It also innately causes fear. If you look at the concept carefully, you will know why and how this makes sense. No one wants to lose the “one” who is the only “one” who can complete them. But, then, being clingy with a relationship or desperate in finding this “one” the sense of self can throw a person out of balance. With all the programs out there on reuiniting people with twin flames who run, vulnerable individuals can get into the tricky areas which can lead to the potential for stalking, restraining orders, not knowing when to respect boundaries, total loss of self, and inability to cope. So if you are starting to feel crazy with all of these things than it might be time for a wake up call of where you went off the path. As I saw one forum poster quote:
There is a reason why you feel “crazy”.. it is your higher self telling you that it is all a lie and needs to be abandoned. ~ ForgedInFire
To bring the energy back into balance required remembering what spirituality and realizing your spiritual nature is meant to be about. To attain spiritual wholeness, unless all the masters are wrong, you must go on an inward rather than an outward journey. Does this mean you can’t have anything in the external world? No. But it does mean you find your core sense of identity within. In fact, most of the masters release the world and attempted to shed their egos. Buddha, himself, taught others to strive for “a middle way” between extremes of self-indulgence and self-denial. Most masters have not needed to have twin flames or soul mates, despite new theories arising that suggest Jesus did.
Note: For those who wish to learn more, they are encouraged to read the Nag Hammadi scriptures or books on the history of early Christianity (Elaine Pagel’s “Revelations” is a good place to start). Also, the idea of twin flames supposedly originates from Plato’s symposium where Plato has Socrates make fun of the idea and proposes as the idea a type of love that transcended these kinds of ideas (an idea that is similar to new-age ideas of oneness: Plato’s Ladder of Love). While some gnostic groups believed in twin flames, they mainly saw the twin as either Jesus or an angelic part of us that existed on the other side.
“Dark Forces” and Obsession
It seems ironic to me when I see articles or videos that suggest “dark forces” are attempting to keep twin flames apart. It makes more sense to me that “dark forces” may lie under the clinging and obsession to remain together. I’ve even had many clients report to me that they feel “possessed” when it comes to the person they feel is their twin flame. This is only natural to report as they have completely given their power away to the other person. Many wonder sometimes if the other person is psychically stalking them and causing them to feel all sorts of feelings. Often they have a huge realization when I inform them that they have lost their core sense of self, so much so that they are floating around outside of themselves and psychically stalking the person they feel is their twin flame. In essence they are trying to “possess” their twin. This isn’t healthy and being outside the self that much can leave a person vulnerable to spiritual influences that could take advantage. Some of the signs of being affected by spiritual interference are:
- suicidal ideation
- feeling dizzy or off-balance (due to not being grounded in the body)
- personality changes
- feeling out-of-control
- sleep issues
- emotional outbursts
The other issue to address is being outside the body too much and in the love interest’s energy field picking up bits of information (in an ungrounded way). So, how can you know if you are too much in your “twins” energy field and not in your own?
- You think a lot about what your twin might be thinking or feeling
- You get readings a lot on your twin
- You try to tune into your twin
- You are into programs on how to get your twin back
- Everything becomes about getting your twin back
- You have a hard time being present in your daily life and your own body
If you feel any of this applies to you, consider that even if you want to continue to believe in twin flames there could be a lesson you can learn or are meant to learn. Perhaps, something about your love situation is even karmic or you have met before. I often find people in these situations are reconnecting with people from past lives where similar lessons arose. Sometimes, there are past lives of being a slave or concubine, or a marraige to a love interest where they went off to war and it wasn’t known if they would ever return so they waited. Some part of the soul was lost to the love interest, The lesson could be, during this lifetime, to meet again and experience the same angst and learn to come back to your body, process your own emotions instead of running away from them (especially feelings of grief, loss, and abandonment), and to learn detachment. For others, the lessons could involve how spirituality is being used. Spirituality is intended to be used to bring about peace and contentment. It is not necessarily a wish-fulfillment tool that should cause us to obsess on what we want and what we can’t have. It is a tool that can be used to bring us a sense of balance when it comes to our wants and desires. When used correctly, it can open us up to know ourselves more deeply and to realize our connection to a greater whole in a less clingy or grasping way.
Intense Feelings, Empathy, & “Signs”
I think that any serial killer or stalker is a great example of what blindly believing in “intense feelings” can lead to. ~Posted to a forum.
Working as a psychic, the advice I can give anyone who is reading this article is that almost every person who approaches me for a reading remarks on having “intense feelings” they “never had before.” Think if it is simply an outgrowth of the sped up and highly electric energy we are subjected to more than ever before, literally through technology and figuratively. Here are some of the below that I have found trigger “intense feelings” which all of this is somewhat common sense that it would trigger them:
- moving quickly in a relationship / having sex too soon
- dating a sex addict, player, or charmer who has a high sex drive and the energy with them almost feels “electric”
- being told everything you wanted to hear very quickly
- dating a commitment-phobe or intimacy phobe (creates sexual tension and longing)
- dating someone who is narcissistic or borderline (narcissists and borderlines can suffer from splitting which causes them to put you one a pedestal or take you off which can be very confusing)
- love addiction where the quest is to get a “high” off of a relationship or bond
- Love-Hate or on-and-off relationships
The “Signs” Say S/he Is My Twin
Another common phenomenon is for the person who idealizes their love interest as a twin flame to have dreams or to receive “signs” that it is mean to be. The signs can be seeing 11:11, seeing their name everywhere, hearing songs, or other similar signs. When it comes to dreams, it could involve dreaming of marriages, kissing, children or other symbols that are interpreted in a premonitory way. I’ve even had people with restraining orders against them tell me their dreams meant that the person who placed the order still wanted to be with them. What is important to remember is that sometimes dreams are simply dreams. A person can represent a stage in our development or could even represent how well we are doing at overcoming a pattern (such as unrequited love). They can represent a symbol to the dream consciousness.
When it comes to seeing a persons name everywhere or other “signs,” when our energy is strong and we are thinking and wondering about a person a lot, our energy can naturally create a “synchronicity.” I always found it interesting that whenever I broke up with someone I would for a few months after see their name everywhere, hear certain songs, or would randomly run into them. This happened because I was thinking about them a lot but it rarely amounted to anything.
Yes, sometimes, a sign or dream or sign could really mean that you are picking up on someone or something and that a re-connection is coming. But empathy is a tricky thing when the ego is involved. Overall, I try to discourage people from focusing on their love interests in this way. Use empathy for compassion but not to become obsessive over whether your love interest is going to call you or not. When empathy is used in unhealthy ways in a love situation it contributes to codependency, obsession, and keeps a relationship in the fantasy and idealized level which might be different from the reality. If you want a grounded relationship, it will take being grounded about love. It will take deciding whether you like the idea of love or you want to really be loved in a grounded way that is based on whether a love interest can truly be there for you or not after the initial blush of love has faded. After all, what is the point of “picking up” on whether the person who loved and left you is going to call you again if it is only going to keep you playing a waiting game or living with heartbreak? As an example, yes, a player who will think of you or miss you sometimes, and it might be possible to pick up on these feelings from time to time, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they want anything more than a booty call.
On-and-off relationships can be really confusing and can generate some pretty intense feelings and pining. Usually, if you are dealing with someone who is on-and-off that person could be dealing with fear of commitment or intimacy that blocks them from wanting to truly get close. You can usually tell these types because they break up with you because they fear you are going to abandon them or they are angry about something. They usually feel unhappy about something in the relationship and can’t accept it but they genuinely do care about you on some level so it drives them to come back.
Alternatively, some on-and-off love interests may be simply players who have you on their rotation so be careful! Especially if you find your twin flame on a dating site which allows for a lot of window shopping without having to make a purchase (if you get my drift). If you are on a players rotation, they probably won’t admit this (some will but ones who feed off of fantasy and getting a high off of giving a woman a high won’t want to disrupt the fantasy). However, if you are insightful enough you will know. For example, if your guy is disappearing a lot and then poking in now and then only to disappear again, and if he is feeding you fantasy and telling you what you want to hear each time, be careful. It is a certain kind of player who has what I call a harem mentality. He is used to having back-up women so he is a lot braver in wearing his “heart” on his sleeve. What does he have to lose if you reject him? He has another three or four girls in the wing. So, he can say whatever he wants. Sometimes these types of men can genuinely feel an in-the-moment high with the women they seduce. But it rarely is lasting or seems addictive in nature where they disappear and come back around to induce another high again. You don’t want to be their drug of choice. If you start to think one of these men is your twin flame due to the intense feelings he arouses, you could be in for a surprise. And unless you are that type of person yourself, how could he or she be the perfect mirror for your own soul?
Projection and Deflection
One thing I notice in those who are heavily into the twin flame movement is that there is a lot of projection and deflection with feeling abandoned by a “twin flame.” It is easy to project onto the “twin” who abandoned them that they weren’t ready for the intensity of the connection or had a lesson to learn. It is easy to focus on the other persons lesson instead of looking inward to see if there was a lesson to learn for the self.
Another type of projection is that which projects feelings of longing and desire onto what is termed the “twin flame runner.” It is too painful to accept that the runner might not have truly loved the person they abandoned, so this type of projection attempts to compensate and make the loss easier to process. However, if not careful, and if not processed or faced, then the danger zone is entering into delusion, denial, or even stalking behavior. Every stalker feels their target is their one and only or twin flame. As a psychic, I can say I have witnessed countless individuals start to go over the deep end, so be careful. Some signs you are falling into delusion are:
- there is a restraining order
- you are stalking them
- friends and family are concerned about your mental health
- you are blocked by the person on facebook, phone, and appears not to want contact
- your “twin” has expressed distress that you won’t let them go
- you haven’t heard from them in several months
- the person has become involved with another person, became married, or went back to their marriage (if they were married when you met)
- you feel life is not worth living without your twin (or feel suicidal)
- you are drinking a lot or engaged in other forms of addiction in order to cope
If you find you are experiencing any of the above symptoms, it might be more conducive for you to seek counselling or some form of support that can help you to become more clear, balanced, and able to cope with the loss of a relationship and move on. Even if a miracle should happen and your ex wants to come back around, you will feel more centered and balanced and better able to cope with the emotions the relationship triggers..
Deception & Infidelity
Sometimes, using the idea of a “special relationship” can help someone who normally may not engage in an affair to justify the deception or to cope with being the “other woman.” It also may make it easier for the psyche to process that another person in a triangle is being hurt. Feeling there is a “higher reason” or calling to a relationship can help to cover up some of the guilt. But, would Spirit truly want you to engage in a deception where someone else could be hurt? To me, it is more likely that Spirit would encourage honesty and being able to be open and to stand in your truth. If a relationship is “meant to be” and serving a higher calling or cause, efforts would be made to separate from the third party before engaging in an affair to balance the energy and avoid deceiving a third part. If someone is unable to leave the third party for whatever reason, it may be a “sign” that the relationship is actually not meant to be.
The ideal of being a married person’s “twin flame” can also help to cope with the idea of competition. It may feel like there is less competition if it can be justified one love is stronger and more “special” than the love a married person shares with their husband or wife. However, this doesn’t necessarily make the deception justified. Again, if the married “twin” is truly ready for a real and not fantasy relationship, they will leave the relationship they are already in to be with the other party without needing to have an affair. You need to be able to go into a relationship free without feeling obligated to succumb to a deception. Such deception only creates added karma that you will have to resolve for yourself and this type of karma could be the very reason you attracted a married person in the first place: to resolve a past life connection or temptation where deception was involved.
The “False Twin” is a Narcissist
The theory that the false twin is a narcissist is interesting since according to the DSM-5, one of the trains of NPD is “Preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty or the perfect mate.” Narcissists can swing between idealization and devaluation due to suffering from something called “splitting.” When they idealize a love interest, this person often ends up on their pedestal. However, they can shift to devaluing or putting their love interest down when they realize their perfect mate is only human and has flaws. Narcissists also are more lightly to suffer from projection, deflection, and have a difficult time coping with rejection and criticism.
All of this said, I don’t believe everyone who believes in twin flames is a narcissist. Though I can say I do see that some new-age ideals do damage to the psychic and encourage entitlement, splitting, and other symptoms where normal people can begin to exhibit narcissist or even borderline traits. Most of this can be reversed if the person affected starts to realize that Buddha, moderation, and finding the middle way is the true path to finding God and peace rather than succumbing to ideas and theories that encourage self-entitlement, splitting, extremes, perfectionism, emotional suppression, denial, projection, and deflection (which all of us have some of these qualities in moderation but the importance is to find the middle way between extremes).
The Higher Lesson
The biggest problem that I have noticed with the new-age community and its idealization of “twin flames” was how this concept held people back from learning a lesson. With twin flames, it seems the lesson becomes all about how to transcend all the problems blocking a solid union in order to end up with your twin and idealize them. This tends to overshadow any other relationship lesson that the person lost in this type of idealization might benefit from learning. It basically stunts spiritual and emotional growth (though it is claimed these relationships foster growth, and I’m sure in some situations it can, but I’ve only really seen the opposite). Where is the spiritual quality of surrender in all of the “runner” and “chaser” dynamic, and the programs on how to win back a twin flame that ran? What is all the meditation, yoga, and spiritual discipline for if not to find peace through some act of surrender. There just seems something so out of wack about all the clinging and even people making programs that other people can pay them for on how to cling even more instead of letting go. Sometimes, it seems as if everything has been turned backwards. This said, perhaps, all of this can serve as its own lesson. If you are a victim of the “find your twin flame” brainwashing, all is not lost. It is not to late to embark on a program of forward, rather than backward movement. Look to your future with hope that you can find love, and that you can be loved in a way where no one needs to be a runner, a chaser or to make themselves crazy over something that might have not been good for them anyways.